| Issue: | Issue 23, August 2003 |
| Section: | Agony |
| Author: | Hawumph |
Hawumph's Agony Column
(OR it's easy to know things when you're immortal)
Dear Hawumph,
I cannot help but feel that I am always going to be considered the baby wiz. It has been ages now and I really have mastered all, well most, anyway some of the stuff I was told I had to learn. And I almost never crash the game, and I like mortals, no really I do, so I was wondering, how can I get over this problem.
Yours anonymously.
(editors note: the signature is illegible due to a large, pungent brown stain.)
Dear anonymous baby wiz,
This feeling is quite natural. It comes to all wizzes. There is only one solution. You must encourage people to play well, master their fears, and make wiz so that you are no longer the baby.
Of course your obsession with poo etc. does mean that you will always be baby wiz to some of us, as we fondly recall this episode in your life.
Alternatively you could persuade Rosie to make witch, she is clearly maternally inclined and may take to mothering you, which may not help you but would at least keep the stench of your unwashed pants from reaching its usual indescribable levels.
Hope that helps,
Haw.
Dear Readers,
In view of a lack of agony this month, attached are sample letters received by me recently. I urge you strongly to beware this type of communication. These offers are probably too good to be true!
From: Imadewiz (imdewiz0r@yahoo.com)
To: Undisclosed Recipients@mudii.co.uk
Cc: hawumph@mudii.co.uk
Subject: Size does matter!
Feeling inadequate?
Can't get past necro?
Get new generic grease-o-mort, guaranteed to make the sharpest of
weapons slip off you for no damage.
Yes, Generic Grease-o-mort is now available to consumers.
As low as 500 treasure per dose (50g).
No wiz consultation required.
Grease-o-mort is just as good as SKILL (TM), only cheaper.
Costs over one year of your life less than Brand Name SKILL.
Generic Grease-O-Mort (CHEATING) and SKILL both consist of making wiz
(204,800 points).
Private delivery to your mudii persona within 14 days of payment
verification - FREE SHIPPING!
100% Money Back Guarantee - The First Cheat to ever be guaranteed.
***** PLUS ***** buy new waf0stik, the finest wafer glue known to
mudders, and you'll not only never lose another wafer in a fight, AND
you'll save 20% off your first order if placed at the same time as
Generic Grease-o-mort.
You are receiving this email as a member of the surfs-dodgy-mud-sites
association. To opt out, click somewhere random on the page. It won't
work, but it may make you feel better?
---------------------------------------------------------
From: Madame Tatiana Whiplash (scamsrus@hotmail.com)
To: Undisclosed Recipients@mudii.co.uk
Cc: hawumph@mudii.co.uk
Subject: URGENT ASSISTANCE.
Dear gullible colleague,
STRICTLY CONFIDENTIAL & URGENT.
I am Madame Tatiana Whiplash, a native of mudtwo.ru in Russia and I am
an Executive Hostess with the Russianmud Department of Dwarfen Mining &
Natural Resources. First and foremost, I apologize for using this medium
to reach you for a transaction/business of this magnitude, but this is
due to confidentiality and prompt access reposed on this medium. Be
informed that a member of the Dwarfen Urgent Promotion Executive (DUPE)
who was at the delegation to your country during a mudmeet gave your
enviable credentials/particulars to me.
I have decided to seek a confidential co-operation with you in the
execution of the deal described hereunder for the benefit of all parties
and hope you will keep it as a top secret because of the nature of this
transaction. Within the Department of Hospitality, where I work as an
Executive Hostess (would you like to meet more Russian ladies, or men,
perhaps?) and with the cooperation of four other top officials, we have
in our possession as overdue, dotes totaling Eighteen Million, Five
Hundred Thousand Points (USPoints18,500,000.00) which we want to
transfer abroad with the assistance and cooperation of a foreign persona
to receive the said fund on our behalf. More so, we are handicapped in
the circumstances, as the Russian Mud Wiz Service Code of Conduct does
not allow us to operate offsite account hence your importance in the
whole transaction.
This amount (USPoints18.5m) represents the balance of an implausible
contract of some sort, leaving the balance in the tune of the said
amount which we have in principles gotten approval to remit by Dodgy
Dealings(D.D) to any foreign mud account you will provide by filling in
an application through the Online Registration here in Russia for the
transfer of rights and privileges of any persona you may own. I have the
authority of my partners involved to offer you a simply ludicrous
percentage of the cut. Also your area of specialization is not a
hindrance to the successful execution of this transaction, as you are
unlikely to ever be able to play again when we finish with your account.
I have reposed my confidence in you and hope that you will not
disappoint me. Endeavour to contact me immediately through my
untraceably secure e-mail address:scamsrus@hotmail.com, whether or not
you are interested in this deal. If you are not, it will enable me
contact spam another Foreign partner with recommendation to carry out
this deal. I want to assure you that myself and my partners are in a
position to make the payment of this claim possible provided you can
give us your username and password.
I wait in anticipation of your fullest co-operation. I am available to
entertain you and your colleagues, I mean entertain any questions
concerning the clarity of this transaction. In strict(!)
confidentiality.
Yours faithfully,
Madame Tatiana Whiplash
Mail the author
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