Crazyfool's Column

Picture the scene. It’s a dark office, probably near Swindon. Mounting debts have long since forced Foddy to sell his body on the streets. Karya sits under a buzzing light, working out the bills and smoking large amounts of Moroccan crack. Photos of Billygoat adorn the wall. Suddenly the door opens. Karya bolts up, purely by reflex and tears off her clothes when in the presence of something so masculine. But who is this fine specimen of a man? Peter Andre? Heiach? No, it is I ... Crazyfool.

Alright, how you doing? Yeah man, I thought I’d try and throw together something resembling an article, mainly because my cards maxed out and I owe Foddy something in the region of 50 billion pounds. Man, Mud is expensive these days. Luckily he says I can pay it back via other means, although I’m not quite sure... Anyway, I came back to Mud over Christmas and man; a lot of stuff has changed. Firstly, within a short space of time, Corwin, Benny, Joey (?) and Mike all wizzed which is absolutely amazing news. Joey is a fine example of a player, both kind, polite and helpful while Mike is the very definition of skill and speed. I can imagine any dinner party simply springing to life when these two turn up. Excuse me a minute .... Sorry ... lemon juice all over me. Yes.

"But, Crazyfool, what about other news? What about other players?"

You wanna shut up. Who’s writing this? Yeah, it’s me. Not you. Get back into that attic and get that gramophone working post haste. I gotta date with a fishmonger. Yes. Other players. I have been inundated with requests that Zordell and me stop screwing around and sleep together. Well, I got good news and bad news. Good news is I’m all clear and clean. Bad news is that Zordell is a classy lady and wouldn’t be seen day with trash like me; at least that’s what her solicitor said. Bloody restraining orders. Firedemon has left Mudii. Yes. He fodded off all his characters and after three leaving parties he hung up his saddle and waddled off into the sunset. God, I’m gonna miss him ... we had some great times ... <echo>

<Montage of images including Firedemon making constant references of drug abuse, being awarded POTM and rolling around in long grass with a bull terrier. All done with backing music by Chris Rea>

Urgent news. He’s come back. Disregard everything that was just said ... except this. Pippin is organising a Mudmeet. I cornered him earlier today to discuss it ...

"What? What will it do? So I just suck it and breathe in the fumes?" - Pippin.

Hehe ... No ... Seriously. He is organising a meet so you better all go or I’ll track you down and make you eat his wellingtons you stains! Anyway, I better go.

Till next time.

Crazyfool