Muddled Times
Issue:Issue 25, December 2003

Hawumph's Agony Column

(OR they say you can care too much. I don't have that problem)

Dear Hawumph,

I have been told I have problems with the way I interact with people, every time I try I just seem to get violent urges and can't help taking out my longsword and killing. I've tried to relax more but I just can't stop the bloodshed!

PLEASE, help me.


Dear Evilarch,

I CAN help you. I recommend different pastimes for you, and have come up with two schemes.

The first, you must play a minimum of one reset a week, mortal and incognito, in the tearoom. Immerse yourself in the experience. Do NOT bite people.

Once you are comfortable with this, try adding a few smilies to your speech mannerisms. Move on to the odd hug, or huggle if you can face it. Who knows, in time you may even be comfortable being groped by Foz, though i would hesitate to rush in to things.

More importantly, try modifying your play style. Every time you feel the urge to shed blood, i want you to plant at least 10 flowers in new and interesting places in the Land, this is bound to help you relax and will be a source of pleasure to others, making you new friends.

Your pal,



Dear Hawumph

You heartless swine. I tried the flower planting, and you know what, every time I do it SOME DAMN MAGE COMES OUT AND SWAMPS THEM!

You idiot, I am going back to killing!


Dear Hawumph,

I have noticed a lot of very strange things have been happening to me recently. For example, I attacked the ghoul, and admittedly I was only on 50 stamina, but I had the statue, and I had the salt, so I should have lived, right?

And just the other day the skeleton1 attacked me. Sure I had failed to steal 83 times in a row, but I blinded myself so he shouldn't have been able to see me.

Anyway all I am saying is it seems I have some weird setting on me, what do you think?


Dear Paranoid,

These things can often be misinterpreted as odd, when in fact they are a normal part of the game.

For example the salt only works if you sprinkle it on the plain crisps. To get these, take the dough ball to the forge, slice it with the two-handed sword (you may need to get Foz to help you find it, or lend it to you) and fry them until golden brown.

Also blinding yourself did no good with the skeleton, as you had trodden in the sharn four moves earlier and it could smell you coming from a mile away.

On the other hand, as soon as you make warlock, they really are all out to get you, so at least you're not truly paranoid.



Dear Hawumph

I am feeling redundant.

I recently employed two clowns, as a joke, to help do my job, and unfortunately they seem to be quite enjoying it. The problem is, how do I tell them I was only kidding without hurting their feelings?

Yours worriedly


Dear Loopy

You are obviously in need of a rest.

I have disabled your account and changed your password. Now enjoy the break.

Hawumph <g>


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