Guide to mortal high life, by Crowley, age 91,000 points

So you’re pootling along in The Land, and you think to yourself, “hey, me. I’m pretty good. I know my onions (and cloves of garlic, carrots and spinaches). I think I fancy a run at the highlife game, yea.” Well it’s time to STOP RIGHT THERE homeboy (or girl, we’re an equal opportunities patroniser at Crowley industries). Have you thought about your decision? Have you considered the ups and downs? Have you? HAVE YOU?

Fear not, I’m a caring kinda guy, so I’ve prepared a small list of what you can expect, including … *pause for dramatic music* some secrets of the game! Yes indeed, I’m about to break out all over yo’ pansy ass with things the wizzes don’t want you to know! Hold me back! HOLD ME BACK!

Ok, first off, you need to know this: they’re out to get you. Who, you ask? Everyone. Everyone is out to get you. But especially the wizards. They’ve constructed a devious and lengthy personality test to determine your suitability to join their awesome ranks (that’s a direct quote from the wizmort handbook, you know. I’ve got my sources).

The personality test is administered in-game, and without you even knowing its happening. But oh yes, I’ve got their number. I know all, and now I’m going to share it with you. If you’re a wizard, you can stop reading now, you already know this stuff, and you don’t want to blush when you realise I’ve seen all your secrets.

1. You will be attacked. Constantly. And they’re the best players in the game, so they’re going to kill you. This is test number 1. It’s a hard one to pass, but they want to see how well you cope with losing high-level characters. This is so you learn to cope what it’s like to be immortal and never die.

2. Should you ever complain, or talk to them, you will be subjected to a barrage of mockery, laughter, insults, friendliness, and/or silence. This is so you learn what it’s like to talk to the people in MUD2. It’s important because you won’t have talked to people in the game before – you’re gonna learn how, or else!

3. Remember to always let on that you know they’re a wizmort (they always are. Everyone always is really. If there’s another player on, they’re a wizmort. If they’re on as a wizard, that’s definite proof). If you do, they will mock you, possibly by shouting out, “Must be a wizmort eh?!” while anonymous as their real wizard. This is funny, and you will laugh, or revisit test 1. This is to test that you have a sense of humour, which has to be finely honed by the time you’re a wizard so you can do this test on players.

4. Finally, they will mess with your game for fun. This is a subsection of test 3, but requires specialist skills. For example, sometimes your kit disappears, and a mobile is given it, like the thief. That’s part of the test, and you have to find it funny. I’ve found the best way to respond to behaviour like this is to shout out that it’s wiz interference, and how unfair it is. This shows that you are developing your sense of humour! This response can also be used if the dragon attacks you, if you stumble and drop things, if you can’t find your way through the mine, or if Lona swamps your gargoyle.

Don’t forget! The best way to trick them at their own game is to constantly remind them that you know who they are! Do this by calling them a random name you’ve chosen from the list of wizards, then put them on ignore so they can’t make themselves look silly by denying it. You can also use as many different player names as you like, to further confuse them. They’ll spend so much time wondering how you knew, you can probably finish the reset while they cry over their keyboards!

Remember everyone, we’re in this together – the wizzes aren’t just players that have finished the game! They’re evil geniuses that probably cheat to look so good when they’re playing! So fight the power! Fight the power! We can beat them if we just stand together – who’s with me? WHO’S WITH ME?

Anyone?

Hello?

Crowley, the protector (probably)