Hawumph's Agony Column

(OR this will hurt you more than it hurts me)

Dear Hawumph,

I am really struggling to make it in the Land. I mean, what do all the rings do? How do I kill people with the straw? Why can't I just get the vampire to give me its treasure? Would you please tell me the list of every creature and weapon in the Land, ranked by powers, relative merits, weaknesses and strengths. If this could also be provided as a set of zmud macros to auto switch weapons that would be nice. Can I have a copy of the wiz secrets book so I can make it without actually having to do anything for myself, because I cannot afford more than 50p a year to play? My mum says its excessive and she should know as she raised me from a kid. That's about it, except when do I get to be an arch wiz and mess with peoples heads?

Buzz the irritating necro.

Dear Buzz,

You have obviously given this a lot of thought. Perhaps if you gave more thought to the fact that you need to make maps, explore, experiment and generally find or exchange things with other people, you might get on better. I am attaching a copy of the wiz secrets book however, since you so kindly sent me a tenner. Remember to hold your breath before going down in the swamp, to drop everything when fighting the ogre (this is most important, even one item could ruin your chances of defeating him – you see he counts all items in his room so the more you drop the better) and of course only fod the dragon when carrying the item I listed.

Look forward to seeing your progress

Hawumph

Dear Hawumph

I have been out wi some grate burds recently. Oh and I am getting to be wicked at pk'ing and stuff m8. Only I carnt be arsed playing so could u put a wurd in wi Foddy and maybe get me a transfer from dotcom to ere cos that wud be wicked. Oh and I'll not beat you up if you do

Luv

Benny

Dear Benny

I find it personally gratifying that you feel you can approach me (and my entire readership) in such an open, forthright, and generally grovelling manner. Unfortunately your wiz is not transferable during the off season (currently January to December) however should you catch an arch on any time during the 29th of February of a non leap year I can virtually guarantee they will listen to you.

If they don't die laughing they may even consider it

Your bestest mate

Hawumph

Dear Hawumph

I am constantly bemused by the fact that people want to attack me and get my points for themselves. As I tell them, I am not a warlock, I am a peacelock. But they seem jealous and want to hurt and abuse me, whilst keeping me out of THEIR resets. It's really very hurtful. Is there any way I can fix this in a loving and non-violent way?

Makeluvnotwar

Dear Makeluv,

It’s a sign of respect. They understand that you can make the points easily, and wish to take them away from you in their selfish desire to make levels and score points.

Perhaps if you played a protected persona this would alleviate their attentions and frustrate them. I have it on good authority that this technique has worked well for a certain unnamed PP called Gilgamesh.

Other than that, you could try taking the fight to them.

Best wishes

Hawumph