Rear-Admiral Bimbo's Chronicles

The seafaring musings of a naughty nautical nymphette!

Editorial

A vast behind. But ye cannae hold it against me, me hearties. For I have sailed the seven seas wi' Cap'n Kate, fought the feersum Dragun on its unholy island lair, and been twice round the Isle of Wight armed only with a gallon jar and a diuretic crew!

In this issue, we analyse Crazyfool's mad obsession wi' catheters, discuss the use of prosthetic limbs as ornamental carvings, do an in depth probing of tatoos and body piercings, and sundry related sea-faring pastimes. Oh, and we talk about that game too!

Rubbishing Mud

Arr, now there be a topic to please the soul. 'Tis well known in most parts that to be a mighty force in the Land, 'tis traditional to begin by being paranoid in the extreme (Ay, me bucko, 'tis YOU I am referring to!), of below average playing skill, and if ye can post on as many forums as possible about how ye've been mistreated by the scum of the Land (henceforth to be known as those bug'ring wizards) then ye may as well accept the crown of honour now. For there can be no truth at all in the rumour that it be all in yer head, now can there?

Mergers and Acquisitions

For a year now, there has been a deathly quiet in this department. Is there anything going on in the minds of they bug'ring wizards, or the community as a whole with regard to this issue? Has anyone every replied to Foddy (http://www.muddled-times.com/article.fod?IssueId=14&ArticleId=1305) Methinks its old news, best swept to the poop deck and into the bilges, then splice the mains'l, tie the cabin boy to the mast and set sail. Land Ho!!!!!!!

Hawumph eats Billygoat's shorts

In an act of "unprecedented bravery" [source: Hawumph] or "bloody stupidity" [source; all they other bug'ring wizards], an unholy pact was apparently entered into recently. When Billygoat announced that he would be running one of The Land's beloved events, in the form of the Billygoat challenge, Hawumph is said to have bet that he could not do so wi'out "cocking it up in some fashion". And further that "if it all went smoothly, I'll eat your pants!".

Hawumph is recovering in St. Wizifriend's Hospital for the terminally stupid and chronically flatulent, and is expected to make a full recovery from his digestive ailments, if not stupidity.

Vulnax survives an entire mobile bash.

This be more of an urban legend than news. For 'tis less likely than Mankoid making wiz, Po being named most popular persona of the decade, Mike learning to give up ham, or someone beating the dragon in single combat armed only wi' a blunt kipper. And yet the rumours are this has happened recently. Ah well me hearties, 'tis after all April the First!

And finally............

Rear-Admiral Bimbo's Challenge

'Tis time for the rear-admiral to demonstrate that ye could not distinguish yer nether regions from yer elbows, even with the aid of a cartographer!

And this challenge be no ordinary one, for we have expanded upon last years prize in no small way. For the first person to furnish the correct answers will win a LIFETIME FREE SUBSCRIPTION!!!!!! Aye, yer eyes do NOT deceive ye! Just answer these few simple questions, and the rear-admiral will set ye up an account on the free mud of yer choice. Why limit yerselves I thought, and so the prize was born!

Now then - to the challenge. 'Tis a simple enough task. I shall furnish ye with a set of objects, and a set of containers. 'Tis up to ye to decide which object would naturally be in which container. But beware, some of these be tricky.

Containers

1. A lead-lined treasure-box lies here, with a multitude of combination locks, designed to prevent the unwary from unleashing its contents accidentally.
2. Taking a respite from its owners casual eating habits, Hawumph's stomach glistens gruesomely before you.
3. A writing desk has been broken into here, its contents now scattered to the four winds. Carved into the lid is a picture of someone riding a broomstick.
4. A surgical instrument case, longer than it is wide, and with an unpleasant aroma, has been dumped here.
5. An incredibly tiny, fluff lined box has been hidden here.
6. A battle-scarred gambling cup has been abandoned here. You can just make out the word "Dave" on it.
7. A tin, marked "SPAM", has been cast to one side.

Objects

1. The conscience of a wizmort on the hunt glowers up at you.
2. A thin, flexible catheter has fallen from its usual hiding place, and sparkles in the light here.
3. A set of 1000 sided wizrun decision dice have been cast here. By an amazing coincidence all three read "Try, try again."
4. Po's PK Kit® has been dumped here.
5. Billygoat's jewel encrusted pulling-pants have been dumped in a corner nearby.
6. A mouldy doughnut is stuck here by congealed jam. It appears to have recently had a bite taken from it.
7. A complete set of "Witch?" magazine is strewn before you. The pages have had comments scribbled all over them.

Fare thee well

That about wraps up another scintillating issue. So me nautical chums, get out there, sail the seas, fight the creatures, and make yer dear old Rear-Admiral proud of ye!!