Confessions of a Thief.

No doubt you’ve passed by me on the way to the swamp, eager to dump that precious piece of treasure that’s going to tip you over the edge of sorcdom for the first time since that animated skeleton got the better of you, then when you reach your methane-emitting destination to your horror you find that somebody’s walked off with it (the treasure that is, not the swamp).

Doubtless, countless of you have been all ready and fully kitted up to tackle that PK/very fortunate exceptionally large goblin who’s been racking up the kills, when you discover that maybe you shouldn’t have put all your wafers into one cardboard box. Two seconds is all I need, and if it takes my fancy, it’s mine, without you ever knowing. I know what you’re all thinking, The Land would probably be a whole lot better off without my little antics.

In short, you hate me. It doesn’t really surprise me, because you see, I have been hated all my life, so you could say I’m used to it by now. It all started when I was a young lad and my parents were killed –pause- waits for "Aaaaaah" – anyway, they had taken me with them in search of some wild berries one fine summer evening, but we ventured too close to the Evil Wood and by the time we realised night had fallen. Pretty soon we were tragically lost, and naturally it was then that the vampire attacked. My father put up a good fight, but the vampire was far too strong, and he was killed before my eyes. My mother and I managed to escape and find our way out, but she was never the same again, and died soon afterwards of a broken heart.

I quickly learned to fend for myself – I mean, what choice did I have? I kept my wits about me and noticed when people weren’t doing the same. I took every possibility to strike. I’ve got pretty good at it wouldn’t you say? It pleases me to have been the ruin of mages and protector alike – especially those who rely on a wafer at the last minute before they realise that it’s been snitched by little old me.

As for my relationship with the old man, it’s strictly business. I play the odd round of poker with the guy, but naturally if he wins I steal my money back, and being old he doesn’t usually notice (don’t forget, I’m a professional) and even if he does he forgets in about an hour and a half, which is rather convenient for me. It’s possible you’ll see us fighting – that’s probably because I’ve tried to steal his watch again – I’ll warn you now, don’t even go there, it’s his pride and joy.

Who else do I like to hang out with in The Land? Well, there’s the banshee – great gal, a little bit loud sometimes, and obviously there’s the smell, but she’s great at parties, a real karaoke queen – you should hear her version of Whitney Houston’s 'I Will Always Love You' – it’s mind-blowing.

There’s not really a 'special someone' in my life, but I think I probably prefer it that way. I’m a loner at heart, and I’ve always been that way, even when my parents were still alive. I did have a brief 'thing' with the maiden, but hasn’t everyone?

To end then, I’d just like to say to you that if I ever steal from you in the future, don’t take it personally. I’m not a bad person really, I just fell into bad habits, and it’s not really my fault that things turned out the way they did. So, if you see me, give me a smile and a wave, just to let me know that someone else gives a damn about me besides yours truly. You’ll make a sad, lonely thief happy for a short time, and who knows, maybe you’ll get lucky and you’ll find all your items present and correct. As if!

Please feel free to email Cordelia at cordy101@hotmail.com with your suggestions and comments.