The Adventures of Herbert the Hapless Hedgehog

Prologue

Heaving a rather hefty sigh the short wizard turns to the tall wizard.

Short Wizard, "Damn it."

Tall Wizard, "What’s up?"

Short Wizard, "The poor Hedgehog has been killed again."

Tall Wizard, "Erm yeah ... that happens every set remember?" (Set being what these powerful beings call a day.)

Short Wizard, "It’s not fair, the little guys always get killed."

Tall Wizard, "Like who?"

Short Wizard, "The Hedgehog, the Piglet, the Snugglepuss, poor little things."

Tall Wizard, "Well change it then."

Short Wizard, "Hmmmmm."

The short wizard, thinking that maybe if the hedgehog was made as intelligent as a person it could avoid being killed every set, decided to pick a person from the land at random and make the hedgehog as clever as him. Looking down in the land only one person was there. Waving his magic wand the short wizard stored all the intellect that person had and sent it into the hedgehog’s dead corpse.

Chuckling to himself, the short wizard turned back to the tall wizard.

Short Wizard, "A-ha! That should even things up a bit."

Tall Wizard, "What have you done?"

Short Wizard, "I’ve made it as intelligent as a person."

Tall Wizard, "Which one?"

Short Wizard, "I don’t remember his name, he’s in the land now."

Tall Wizard, "Oh no. You are joking?"

Short Wizard, "No. Why?"

The tall wizard began laughing. Soon he was laughing so hard he couldn’t breath. Gasping for air, the tall wizard looked at the short wizard, who was getting rather cross.

Tall Wizard, "Well ... This should be interesting."

Wondering what the tall wizard was talking about, the short wizard looked into the land. The sun was setting on another set/day. Soon the land would teem again with life.

What would happen to the hedgehog?

Who had provided the hedgehog with its cleverness? Well, read on, perhaps somewhere along the line we will find out!

Chapter 1.

"Hullo Mr Hedgehog, hmmm, no, no that will not do, let me think."

The hedgehog, having no idea what to make of the man, discreetly did his business behind a tree root and then sat down.

"How about John or Terrence? No, no, no, How about Herbert? Yes Herbert, I like it."

Pointing his staff, which looked like a stick with a skull at the end, at the hedgehog, the short man muttered a strange incantation. A gust of wind suddenly hoisted the hedgehog off the ground and flung him into a near-by hedge. Unfortunately the hedge was springy and he bounced off it onto the ground and rolled to arriving a few feet of the wizard.

Suddenly, the hedgehog became aware of the fact he was Herbert. He’d never been Herbert before so it came as quite a surprise to him.

"OK," said the short man, "now, this may come as a shock, but you are a clever hedgehog now, clever as a person."

The short man smiled widely at this. Herbert was not that impressed.

Feeling an incredible urge to make a sarcastic comment, it suddenly dawned on Herbert that he could talk.

"I can talk," said Herbert, somewhat obviously.

Doubtless you are thinking that was a daft thing to say, but imagine if you couldn’t talk, then suddenly you could, and you had a name instead of being known as that fleshbag or this pink thing with hair in dodgy places. You see? You’d probably do silly things too!

The short man positively beamed after Herbert said that, "Yep, and you can think, and use primitive tools and various other things you haven’t discovered yet."

Herbert was impressed this time. So impressed that if he hadn’t been sat down he’d have fallen over.

"Now then Herbert, there’s something I want you to do for me," the man went on. "There are many evil people in the land who like nothing more then to kill all you little defenceless creatures, so I’ve decided to make you they’re champion."

Herbert, already somewhat confused by what was going on, was positively dumbfounded now.

"Me, a champion?"

The short man nodded. Being the sort of hedgehog who is easily led into things, Herbert nodded too.

"OK, if you’re gonna be a champion for all the little creatures, you’ll need a champion’s weapon."

The short man sat down to think for a little while. Grabbing a stick from the ground, Shorty first muttered a short incantation over the stick. Herbert, remembering what happened last time, grimly held on to a near-by tree root. Fortunately for him there was no gust of wind this time.

As the incantation was finished the stick burst into flames. Shorty offered Herbert the stick. Being clever like a person has it drawbacks, people are sometimes stupid and Herbert was no exception. Herbert grabbed the stick, which being on fire, caused him some discomfort. Yelping in pain and feeling somewhat miffed towards Shorty; Herbert threw the stick at him … hitting him right on the nose.

Shorty stood up quickly and pointed a finger at Herbert. Suddenly Herbert violently disintegrated.

"Oh bother."

Rather then waiting for a new set, Shorty muttered some obscure words of Power. Herbert reappeared looking somewhat perturbed.

"OK, no more throwing of flaming sticks."

Waving his hand, Shorty suddenly caused a flood of water to appear above Herbert. Before Herbert could even think of holding his breath never mind moving the water covered him. Instead of him getting wet however the water seemed to sink into Herbert’s leathery skin.

"Tada."

Shorty looked suitably pleased with himself.

"Now get the stick."

Herbert tentatively picked up the flaming stick. This time there was no flashing stab of burning agony. In fact the stick didn’t even feel warm.

"How the hell?"

Shorty grinned smugly.

"You, my spiky little friend, are fireproof."

With that Shorty sent a blast of green fire swirling from the sky to strike Herbert on the head. Herbert didn’t even notice.

"Now, this is a very special stick, it will go out on command and relight on command, it will never break."

Herbert swished the stick thru the air a few times. It was light and felt solid enough. Herbert felt ready to take on anyone.

"OK Shorty," At this the short man smiled. "What is it you want me to do? Is there anything in particular?" Herbert asked.

"As a matter of fact there is,"Shorty said. "A rather craven individual by the name of Po has taken the snugglepuss hostage in a tower not far from here, I want you to first go see the old man that lives in a cottage due west of here across the river, he can show you some fighting stances, then head to the tower and rescue the snugglepuss."

Grinning the short man disappeared.

Herbert sat with his stick. Not just any stick. But his flaming stick of Justice. With one last glance at his home Herbert set out west. What will he find? Good question.

Chapter 2

Running blindly for several minutes Herbert didn’t stop until he was worn out. Looking around he saw he had reached ford in a river to the west. To the north was a large castle with a tower that stood very tall in the middle. Sniffing the air Herbert could smells something. A sort of nice, tasty smell. He felt an incomprehensible urge to follow his nose to the source of the smell and before he knew it Herbert was wading across the river.

It wasn’t long before Herbert arrived at an inn. Peering inside through a window he could see several individuals drinking from clear containers. The smell seemed to be coming from these containers. Unable to stop himself, Herbert walked into the inn. Realising the flaming stick might cause trouble he whispered the secret words Shorty had taught him to douse the stick. Someone had left a container on the floor and he was just about to peer inside it when a gloved hand picked him off the floor and he was deposited on a table.

Girl One, "Awwwwww isn’t it cute?"

Boy One, "Zordell … it’s a Hedgehog, it’s not cute, it’s spiky I’ll give you that, but it’s not cute."

Zordell, "Shut up Foz."

Girl Two, "Yeah Foz shut up."

Foz, "You saying it looks cute then Jincks?"

Jincks, "Well yeah… I guess."

Foz, "Cloud? This is where you’re supposed to back me up mate."

Cloud, "What? Sorry mate, I was miles away."

Herbert looked around him. Several people were sat looking at him. Two girl people and two boy people. None of them looked threatening though so Herbert relaxed a little. The boy one that seemed to be called Foz and had picked him up was talking to the two girl ones Zordell and another girl. The second boy Cloud was drinking steadily from the clear container and looked really bored.

Foz, "Typical women, a small spiky rodent is cute."

Zordell, "So what if it’s a hedgehog, look at that cute little nose!"

Jincks, "Yeah, and look at his beady little eyes."

Foz, "Ye gods."

Somewhat exasperated Foz gets up and heads into the room next door.

Zordell, "I gotta get some treasure before the day is out so I’m gonna go for a wander."

Jincks, "I’ll come too."

As the girls walk past Zordell pats Herbert on the head. Herbert purrs. Zordell grins and leaves.
Herbert turned so he could get a better look at Cloud and his container of the precious fluid. Cloud noticed the hedgehog looking at him and his drink. Being bored stupid Cloud offered Herbert some beer. Herbert took a sniff, before gulping as much as he could. Cloud, chuckling to him self, managed to get Herbert to drink a whole half-pint before Herbert had to stop for air.

"Thath’s good stuff," Herbert slurred.

Cloud looked up surprised. Not knowing quite what to make of it Cloud shouted, "Foz!" Foz came back and sat down.

"Whassup Cloud?"

"That hedgehog can talk."

Looking at Cloud knowingly, Foz took the glass off him.

"Think you’ve had enough mate."

Cloud gave Foz a look usually reserved for PK’s and Tearoom mages.

"Watch this then Foz."

Taking Foz’s beer from him, which took some doing, Cloud gave the glass to Herbert. Although it was a bit big for him Herbert managed to get his head in the top off the glass and drink a fair amount before Foz, somewhat annoyed, took the glass from him.

"Awww, give it back." Herbert whined.

Mesmerised, Foz passed the glass back to Herbert, who promptly finished it off.

"Christ, It just spoke."

"I did try to tell you that mate."

"I know I know, just assumed you was hammered."

Herbert, having drank nearly a pint of strong ale, was know more then slightly drunk.

"Lisshen you guysh, cansh you telsh me where I cansh find an owld man?" Herbert blurted.

"You mean the old man from the cottage?" Cloud asked.

"Yep. Thash the one."

"Its just a little west of here, we’ll sober you up a little and take you there if you want."

"Pleash, thash great."

Laughing, Foz went upstairs while Cloud collected the glasses from the table and took them back to the bar. Herbert curled up into a ball and fell asleep.

Awaking a couple of hours later, Herbert found himself in a warm dark place. Some light was coming into this place from a hole above him so he stood up and poked his head thru the hole. He was in a backpack, Cloud’s backpack to be precise. Suddenly, realising that he had drunk an awful lot of fluid, and with a head spinning and pounding, Herbert realised he had to use the little hogs room.

"Cloud?"

Looking down Cloud saw Herbert and picked him up.

"Sorry about that. Figured we could take you to the cottage and save you a walk."

"Thanks, I really gotta weewee though."

Putting Herbert down, Cloud looked away while Herbert went and did his business. Herbert came back looking decidedly ill.

"Urgggghhhh, I just threw up."

Laughing Cloud passed a small phial to Herbert.

"A gift from Foz, drink that, its should help a little, tastes bad though."

Opening the phial and sniffing the contents Herbert winced. Steeling himself, Herbert downed the phial in one. Hell, Cloud wasn’t kidding. Herbert sat down for a minute while the phial took effect.

"It’s best if you sleep for a little while."

Picking Herbert up, Cloud put him in the backpack. Herbert curled into a ball and fell asleep.

A little while later Herbert woke up to find himself laid on a pile of leaves in a forest. Cloud was sat on a tree stump playing cards with a giant. Herbert’s headache had disappeared and the world had stopped spinning. Herbert walked over to Cloud and sat next to him.

"Hullo mate, you feeling any better?" Cloud asked.

"Yeah thanks a lot Cloud."

"This is as far as I can go with you, the old man doesn’t like most people, just you creatures."

"No problem mate, you’ve been a lot of help."

Standing up Cloud and the giant left heading north.

"Take care Hedgehog." Cloud shouted over his shoulder.

Looking around Herbert saw a path leading out of the forest and towards a building. Herbert got up with a grunt and headed towards the building, hoping it was the cottage and wondering what the old man would be like.

To be continued ...

Send Mudmails to Foz with your thoughts about the above stuff :)