Lost One briefcase. Last seen in vicinity of portcullis. Has great sentimental value to owner. If found, contact O.M. Visit Basil Isk's Statue Emporium See the most incredibly lifelike statues in the Land! Your own likeness in stone can be created for a small fee. Conveniently located near the tangled garden. EXTERMINATORS WANTED For ridding cellar of rat infestation. If interested, enquire at cottage near graveyard. Novices need not apply. Tailor-made Torture From the simplest of flee's right through to the fully-fledged Platinum service with a money-back Not Updating Persona guaranteed*, we have specialised in murder, mayhem and general scariness for the past 5 years. Treat YOUR mortal persona to the ultimate rolls-royce reset. Call Turrican & Gromit TODAY on 0800-DEADLY!!!!! Or visit us at www.wizmort.com. A founder member of the PK league of Great Britain. * all guarantees require an indemnity payable in advance, refunds and reinstatements are unfortunately not available. Adult Escort Service Looking for company on those long boring resets? Feel like you could use some cheeky conversation, maybe even a relaxing massage? We promise you a completely anonymous service, just head past the flickering blue haze for an encounter you'll treasure for the rest of your days, in the arms of our lovely maidens. Visitors must be over novice level, if you are easily offended by partial persona eradication we suggest you stay away. Agoraphobics Anonymous The next meeting of the Mud2 Agoraphobics Anonymous Society will be held on the third Friday of April. Venue as usual, the small bedroom. Would members please note that helpers WILL be available to escort you from the tearoom through the open spaces intervening. This by popular request following the fiasco last month where the entire society became bottlenecked in the tearoom behind the annual general meeting of the Mage Tea Appreciation Club's annual not-going-out'ing. Caring Vampire Genuine, down to earth, immaculate dresser, with that little touch of magic and mystery, seeks soulmate for romance and dining. No timewasters. Send photograph and details of blood group c/o PO Box 99, Evil Wood. Superb Holiday Destination Get away from it all to the snow filled Alpine regions today. Luxuriate in your own cozy cottage at night, all units complete with entrance, bedroom, dining room, cupboard, and wardrobe space. Book early and request your cottage with a view of the splendid ice shelf. Holiday insurance recommended, pack warm clothing as it is blizzard season all year round. To Let Diamond Room. One careful occupant, non smoker. Has great potential for collectors of treasure as a trophy room, also very peaceful location, a must for light sleepers. Apply to Gummybear. Genuine reason for letting, details on application.