The Adventures of Herbert the Hapless Hedgehog

Chapter 3

Meanwhile, up in the sky the two wizards were looking down on Herbert as he made his way to the old man’s cottage. The short wizard, whose name is Antman, in case you were wondering, turned to the tall wizard his friend:

Antman: "A-HA! See that Boggy? It’s survived much longer then ever before. And it’s making friends with the people of the land."
Boggy: "What is?"
Antman: "The Hedgehog."
Boggy: "Really? Well I am surprised considering who’s brain you picked for it."
Antman: "Well… One person’s pretty much the same as the next person really."
Boggy: "Hmmmm. Want to make a wager? I bet it doesn’t rescue the snugglepuss before the end of five whole sets."
Antman: "HA! What are the stakes?"
Boggy: "Sharp pointy sticks used to kill vampires."

Antman looked at Boggy before groaning.

Boggy: "No sense of humour you, you know that?"
Antman: "You want this wager or not?"
Boggy: "OK, OK. If it doesn’t make it in time you have to renounce your wizardly powers for a whole week and live in the tearoom with the mortals."

Antman gasped. A more frightening thing then having to listen to the mortals babble on in the tearoom Antman had a hard time thinking of.

Antman: "OK. But if Herbert wins, you have to spend a whole week, without your wizardly powers, in a closed off room with no exits with only one person for company."
Boggy: "Who’s the person?"
Antman: "Serenety."

Boggy blinked. Realising he couldn’t back down now and save face, and thinking that a lone hedgehog in a land full of pitfalls and danger would never stand a chance, Boggy agreed to Antman’s terms.

Boggy: "OK Antman. You have yourself a deal."

Antman giggled.

Antman: "Serenety in a room with no exits… and you said I didn’t have a sense of humour."

Boggy looked down into the land at the small creature trundling down a garden path. "Hmmmm," he thought to himself. "This could be unfortunate if I lose… So I better make sure I don’t."

Grinning deviously Boggy headed off towards a cove far away in the distance. Antman watched him go; wondering what Boggy was hatching.

Meanwhile ...

Herbert was feeling a lot better after his sleep in Cloud’s backpack. Which was good because before his sleep he had felt kind of like his inside’s had been replaced by a grumpy giant with an incomprehensible urge to throw everything he’d consumed within the last week out of his nose. Smiling to himself Herbert pulled out of his pocket some of the things he had swiped from Cloud’s pack. A piece of coal, a nice juicy orange (which Herbert scoffed straight away, because due to extreme alcohol consumption (and redistribution) he was feeling hungry), a soggy wafer and finally his stick. Not just any old stick, he reminded himself, but a flaming stick of justice currently un-flaming.

Unable to think of anything to do with the coal, Herbert tossed it to one side. Several moments later a loud HAWUMPH followed by a shout of "Bloody Hedgehog!" ripped through the air. Thanking his lucky stars he wasn’t the hedgehog in question, Herbert pushed on. Before long he arrived at a cottage.

This has got to be the place Herbert thought to himself. Standing before him was a run-down, two-story building with bars across the windows. Suddenly feeling nervous, Herbert walked up to the door and rapped sharply on the door with his stick. Several moments of inactivity passed…

Starting to feel more then a little agitated at getting all this way for nothing, Herbert rapped on the door much harder making more then one large scratch appear on the door.

All of a sudden, Herbert was struck a vicious blow from his left-hand side across his face. Spinning away from the blow Herbert came full circle expecting to be facing his opponent. To his dismay no one was stood there. The soggy wafer, which Herbert hadn’t been able to eat yet due to his stomach feeling a little delicate, suddenly jumped out of his pocket and started floating away. Looking positively gob-smacked, literally after that blow to the face, Herbert tried to grab his wandering wafer. Again something lashed out at Herbert, smacking him square in the middle of his forehead and knocking him to the floor dazed. Swearing quite profusely, Herbert staggered to his feet and lunged for the wafer.
"You god damn son of ogre," Herbert ranted. "Your mother was a nanny goat and your father was a troll." Pulling out his trusty stick of justice Herbert swung at the place where the wafer was floating.

SWIIIIISH Thunk! Something caught the stick in mid-swipe and rapped him on the head with it. Herbert fell to the floor, as he was losing consciousness an eerie voice came from nowhere and said:
"Youth of today. No respect for anyone."

Blackness enveloped Herbert.

Chapter 4

Everything was dark ...

Herbert wondered whether this was what it was like to be dead. Gently he touched the back of his head. Moving aside his quills Herbert felt a lump the size of a golf ball blossoming.

The poor little guy couldn’t help giving a little whimper as he touched the bruise.
"Ah," whispered someone. "You alive then ..."

Herbert opened his eyes to see a heavily scarred face peering into his. The face belonged to a fairly young man with long brown hair and one staring blue eye that seemed to radiate evil. The other eye appeared to be missing as the man wore a black patch over it.

Herbert tried to cower away from the face. Unfortunately for him he was already in a corner so all he managed was to make the evil man laugh.
"Boggy said you were a tough little devil." The man sneered. "Oh well. Back to sleep for you."

The man kicked Herbert in the face. Again ... blackness mercifully claimed him.

Elsewhere ...

Antman was pacing back and forth on his cloud, furious with how things were turning out. Boggy had not only killed the old man; he had replaced him with Reverence.

Reverence was one of a new breed of wizards that had recently managed the long and difficult task of becoming a wizard. On the way he had gained a reputation for being ruthless, despicable and terribly nasty. Already, due to Boggy and Reverence, Herbert had spent one day reaching the old man and another in a state of unconsciousness. If Antman didn’t do something soon ...

Thinking back to Reverence’s attempt to make wizard, Antman remembered another young man who had proved a thorn in the evil mans side more then once. Quickly Antman trundled off to enlist his help. Hoping that Herbert could hold on just a little longer ...

Herbert was holding on. Just. He awoke to find he had a splitting headache. Searching his pockets he found the phial he had drunk to cure his hangover. Drinking the last few drops from the bottom, Herbert opened his eyes. The cellar was surprisingly well lit. Over in the corner there was a body. Some steps led up to a door.

Bracing himself against the wall, Herbert hauled himself up to his feet. His head felt like ten gnomes with ten pick-axes were attempting to dig they’re way out of it from behind his eyeballs. Staggering wildly, Herbert made his way across the wildly spinning room to the door. It was locked. Of course it was locked. Herbert collapsed to the floor.

Ten minutes passed before Herbert felt up to the task of getting onto his feet again. The few droplets of potion left in the phial had eased the pain in his head a little. Very slowly Herbert stood up. This time the room stayed moderately stable. Still feeling very delicate, Herbert made his was over to the body in the corner.

It was an old man. Grimacing, Herbert rifled through the old man’s pockets, finding some vials of murky fluid, an old pocket watch, and a key.

A KEY!

Herbert would have done a jig but his head was telling the rest of him not to bother or pain would return so he made do with an exclamation of "YEAH BABY!" Before making his way to the door again.

He was just about to put the key in the lock when the door was opened from the other side.

The door slammed into Herbert sending him flying across the room. Luckily he rolled himself into a ball and bounced off something squidgy. Herbert, feigning unconsciousness, not wanting another good kicking obviously, slanted his eyes so he could watch the evil monster. Reverence looked around the room, saw Herbert collapsed in a pile, cackled and left. As he was shutting the door a small furry shape seemed to fly in! Herbert wasn’t entirely certain he’d seen it. As the door slammed shut Herbert pulled himself to his feet to find the squidgy thing he’d bounced off was the old man.

Herbert let out a little scream.
"Shut up you fool!"
Herbert looked at the old man, then fainted clean away.

Chapter 5

Herbert was waking up. Again. Trying to remember what the heck had knocked him out this time he thought back. Then it struck him. The dead old man had spoke. Jumping to his feet Herbert moved as far away from the old guy as he could.

"What are you doing?" a voice said.
"G-g-getting away from you, you d-d-dead old fart." Herbert stuttered frightened out of his wits.
"OI." The voice said. "Its not the old man talking, it’s me up here."
Herbert looked up to see what looked like a rat. Not just any old rat. This rat had wings. And fangs.

Which, surprisingly enough, scared Herbert more.

Running as far away from the bat as possible, Herbert turned round.
"Please don’t eat me." Herbert whimpered, on the verge of tears. He’d had a rough day already, what with short wizards, beer, invisible people beating him up and an evil monster terrorizing him. Emotionally he was at the end of his tether.
"Don’t be silly," the bat said. "I’m here to help you."
With that the bat flew down to where Herbert was and sat next to him.
"Hi," The bat said. "My name is Fruitbat. Antman sent me."

Herbert sat there for a minute, trying to get his head round what the little bat was saying.

Finally Herbert said. "Hullo, I’m Herbert."
"Yeah I know," the bat replied. "Antman told me everything. Unfortunately, one of the other wizzes is making things difficult. You were supposed to meet the old man here who would give you some vials."
"Hold on a minute. Who is Antman?" interrupted Herbert.
"You know, Antman, short guy? Strange magical cosmic powers?" Fruitbat asked.
"Oh. Shorty. So his name is Antman."

Fruitbat nodded.

"Oh. Ok then."
"Anyway," Fruitbat continued. "Now the old man is," Fruitbat glanced at the body, "indisposed right now, I’ve got to get you out of here. And we have to find the vials."
Smiling smugly, Herbert pulled the vials from his jacket.
"Great!" exclaimed Fruitbat. "However, there is a slight problem."
"What?" Herbert asked.
"Well, I’m a wizard yeah? But I’ve only been one a few weeks now. I don’t know all the all-powerful spells. So I’m gonna have to take care of Reverence while you escape."
"Yeah ..." said Herbert.
"Well ... this is a little embarrassing ... to get in here I had to turn myself into a bat. The only way I can change back is to eat a piece of fruit. Which I don’t actually have on me right now."

Herbert groaned, remembering the orange he had eaten before he’d been thrown in here. Looking around the cellar there, unfortunately, was nothing that could even remotely be described as fruit. Not even a fruit fly.
"I did see a bowl full of fruit on the way in here ..." Fruitbat trailed off. Herbert sighed.
"I’ll go get some."

Herbert went over to where the key had fallen after he’d been walloped across the room by the door. Picking it up, Herbert went back to the door and unlocked it.

"Before you go," Fruitbat said. "You ought to know what the vials do for you. The one with black liquid in is a memory vial. Inside are the memories of Guybrush, A mighty pirate, and a mighty swordsman. When you drink it you will gain all of his skill with a sword."

Before Herbert could say anything Fruitbat continued.
"The other vial, the clear liquid, contains a potion of invisibility. Sounds great, however unlike the first vial, the effects of this vial only last about 5 minutes. I seriously recommend drinking them now as without invisibility Reverence will tear you apart." finished Fruitbat.

Herbert opened both the vials. Hoping they tasted better then the last phial Herbert downed first the black vial. A strange feeling of inner turmoil swept over Herbert.

Slightly disconcerted Herbert sat down. The feeling went away and Herbert couldn’t discern any noticeable difference. Shrugging he drank the other vial. Suddenly the room seemed to dim. Then everything went back to normal. "Quick. Go now. Find that fruit. Before the invis wears off." Fruitbat insisted. Herbert made his way to the door, unlocked it, and slowly opened it ...

Chapter 6

Herbert sped straight out the door and quietly closed it behind him. Checking his surrounding Herbert found himself facing…stairs. Lots of them. Muttering to himself, Herbert started climbing them. After 16 steps he arrived at the top. Looking around he could see a cupboard to the left with some old junk in. To the right sat Reverence.

Herbert nearly died of fright. Scurrying, he ran back round the corner and waited till his heart stopped trying to escape out of his mouth. Then he remembered he was invisible. Looking down at himself to make sure, Herbert held his breath and stepped out around the corner. Reverence didn’t even turn round. He had a zombie laid out on the table in front of him and he was sticking what looked like an unlit stick into various parts of the zombie’s anatomy. Herbert also saw the bowl of fruit that Fruitbat had mentioned… it was right next to the zombie’s head.

Gulping Herbert tiptoed over to the table and very slowly started to climb up the table leg. The small amount of noise he was making was easily drowned out by Reverence laughing, as he stuck the stick into one of the zombie’s hands. Herbert managed to pull himself up onto the table the opposite side to Reverence.

Herbert quickly grabbed an apricot from the bowl and stashed it in his jacket. Just as Herbert was about to leap off the table Reverence stabbed the stick into one of the zombie’s eyeballs and popped it out. Herbert took one look at the eyeball turning on the end of the stick and felt queasy.

He staggered and slipped, falling with a crash to the ground. Reverence stood up. Herbert, not knowing what the heck else to do, made a break for the stairs. Running as fast as he could, Herbert looked quickly over his shoulder to see Reverence making various magical gestures. Herbert finally made it round the corner and was jumping down the stairs two at a time when he noticed his invisibility running out.

"Oh nooooooo!" thought Herbert. That wasn’t five minutes! That was only about two.

"HEDGEHOG!" roared Reverence. "When I catch you I’m gonna pull your quills out one by one and make you eat them!"

Herbert finally reached the bottom of the stairs. Sweating profusely, Herbert pulled the key from his jacket and tried to open the door. As Herbert put the key in the lock, Reverence appeared at the top of the stairs. The staring blue eye pierced Herbert and filled him with fear. Fumbling, Herbert dropped the key. Reverence began descending the stairs. Herbert, shaking, picked up the key and opened the door just as Reverence reached him ...

Herbert leapt backwards just as Reverence made a grab for him. Grabbing the apricot from his jacket Herbert threw it into the cellar. Reverence turned around and grabbed Herbert. With one hand he held Herbert down, with the other he reached over and pulled out one of Herbert’s quills.

Herbert screamed.

"I told you, my little spiky friend. I hope you are hungry." Reverence started moving the quill towards Herbert’s wide open, screaming mouth.

"Tut tut tut. You still picking on people smaller then yourself, Rev?" a polite voice asked.

At the sounds of that voice Reverence stopped. His blue eye seemed to be on fire as his face twisted into an expression of pure hatred. Herbert watched Reverence stand and slowly turn to face the owner of the polite voice. Herbert looked at what he could only guess was Fruitbat. About the same size as Reverence, and dressed in a dark tunic and leggings stood a blonde man with piercing green eyes. Just as Reverence finished turning around Fruitbat struck him a vicious backhand blow across the face. Reverence’s head snapped to one side. Motioning for Herbert to run, Fruitbat swung his fist at Reverence again. This time Reverence blocked it and hit Fruitbat in the ribs with a nasty right hook. Gasping for breath Fruitbat mouthed the word run before making some magical gestures. Herbert ran ...

... Straight into the zombie. The zombie was more then a little annoyed at having his body stabbed by a sick twisted maniac and decided that Herbert would make a nice snack. Casting about madly, Herbert saw the unlit stick that Reverence had been using. Grabbing it and giving it a quick wave to get the eyeball off the end (urgh!) Herbert realised it was his stick! His Stick of Justice! Mumbling his words of ignition, Herbert ignited the stick and moved into an on guard position. With devastating swiftness Herbert struck the zombie repeatedly to the legs and arms before finally taking a massive swipe at the zombie’s head removing it clean off. The zombie, not really expecting anything of this kind fell over and began feeling around for its head.

Herbert decided now was a good time to make like a hare and run like hell.

While he was running from the cottage various shouts and screams came from inside. Herbert was too frightened of Reverence winning to stay around. He just kept on running.

As it was getting dark Herbert arrived back at the inn. Staggering, he stumbled over to the first person he saw and collapsed at their feet.

To be continued ...

Hope you enjoy/are enjoying this story. :)

Fozzy (Aka Aeris)