Clubs and Hearts

The Proposal

They walked, hand in hand, along the bank of the river. Alone in the moonlight. Well ... apart from the 3 hulking figures following ten paces behind them. Suddenly he stopped, and, glancing nervously over his shoulder, fell to one knee. She gasped and put her hand to her mouth. "Wanna marry me?" he growled hesitantly. Trembling, she nodded. He produced the ring wordlessly. He'd given the crock to the 3 lumbering watchers not half an hour ago. A dowry, they'd persuaded, toying idly with their daggers. The ring slipped onto her finger. She admired the way the moonlight danced along its edges. Speechless with joy, she lifted him from where he was still kneeling, gathered him in her athletic arms and hugged him until he gasped for breath.

The watchers nodded approvingly and turned, leaving the couple behind them, one ecstatic, the other not sure if his happiness was because she said ‘yes’ or because he still had possession of all his appendages.

Time passed ...

The Hen Night

The chickens clucked contentedly as they scratched the ground looking for food and ... [The Narrator growled and suddenly looked towards the giggling scriptwriters. Imperiously, she clicked her fingers and held out her hand. Another script appeared, and, as she flicked through, she nodded with satisfaction and began ...

The female giant was worried. She adjusted her eye-patch for the umpteenth time, sighed heavily and continued to comb her hair. They'd taken him earlier. A bachelor party, they'd said. Her brothers had reassured her. Nobody would try anything untoward if they were watching. Unfortunately, the female giant knew just how devious some of The Land’s male mobiles were and, to be brutally honest, her brothers made short planks look like MENSA candidates. They wouldn't recognise a stag night plot if it donned steel toe-capped boots and danced the Macarena on their faces. She sighed again.

"Come along, my dear! We're taking you out!" The female giant dropped her comb, breaking one of the fossilised human fingers. She glared at the tiny figure standing in the doorway of her cave. "We're going for a meal! Get your glad rags on and stop that infernal sighing!"
"A meal? We? What do you mean?" stuttered the giant.
The queen dwarf grinned. "You're having a hen night, my girl!"

It was only then that the giant heard the cheering voices outside. And realised that every last one of them was female.

Later, as they sat in the Chinese house, the queen dwarf turned to the giant and said "I do hope you like Chinese food, my dear. We did consider going to the Villa for an Italian, but to be honest, the snugglepuss advised against it, for reasons she wouldn't go into."
The queen was industriously scooping rice into her mouth with her chopsticks, unlike the female giant who was handling 2 unlit brands with some trepidation.
The mermaid nudged the giant, "So! Does he have a long sword, a broad sword or a two handed sword?" she winked, giggling. The female giant blinked.
"Erm ... actually, he seems to prefer his club ..." she began, stopping as a gale of laughter swept throughout the room. She smiled uncertainly and, finally, began to relax.

A few cases of wine later, the queen walked unsteadily to a box at the back of the room and picked up a microphone. The female giant decided that the sight of a 3 foot nothing matronly figure belting out 'Diamonds are Forever', with her crown hung at a rakish angle over one ear was, to be sure, one of the most bizarre things she had ever witnessed. As the queen bowed her way back to her seat to thunderous applause, the maiden stood up smiling sadly at the crowd.
"I'll bet you a cloth-of-gold to a bonsai that she sings something by Sheryl Crowe,” whispered the wyvern, venomously. The wyvern only betted on a sure thing.

As the maiden returned, a rustle went up amongst the crowd. The banshee had silently glided up to the microphone! As she announced her chosen song ('I Will Survive'), earplugs were quickly jammed into place. The female giant, caught unawares, glanced around hurriedly, and used the first two things that came to hand. The female dwarves 34 and 37 later agreed that it was the most uncomfortable 3 minutes they had ever spent and would never, ever be discussed again.

Later, as she weaved her way down Dally Lane, the female giant glowed with wine-soaked happiness. She waved her newfound friends goodnight and thought that she wouldn't forget this night for a long time to come.

The Stag Night

The stag proudly shook his antlers and .... [The Narrators arm moved so fast it was a blur. The dummy script flew, discus-like towards the chortling scriptwriters, felling the unwary. As another script was handed to her, she quickly checked the contents, nodded, and began ...]

The ogre sat in a malmsey-induced haze. The usual peace and quiet of  Admiral Bonbow’s inn was shattered by the raucous chatter and laughter. In the corner, the king dwarf was, well, dwarfed by the two turntables. Wearing his tunic unbuttoned down to his navel, a large medallion could be seen, glinting in the disco lights. It was nestled amongst a mound of dark chest hairs that had raised numerous whispered comments and chuckles, mainly due to its stark contrast to his white hair and beard.
"OK dudes!" shouted the king dwarf, deftly throwing the microphone from one hand to the other, and deftly missing. "Here's a favourite of mine! Get down! Get funky! It's 'Little Balls of Fire'!"
A groan went around the room.
The griffin leant towards the ogre. "Who, in the name of The Land, let him do the disco?" The ogre grimaced and pointed to 3 large figures who were drinking steadily.

As the last music faded away, the king dwarf asked for requests.
"Rock music!" cried the goblins, echoed by the 3 large figures.
"Heavy metal!" shouted the goblin blacksmith.
"OK!" grooved the king. "By popular demand! Here's 'Down, Down, Deeper and Down'!"
The goblin blacksmith headed outside, presumably to bang his head against the anvil.

The disco lights flickered to the beat of the music. Apart from one. This particular light was flashing so fast to its own internal beat that it was practically strobing.
"Oi! Derek!" called one of the fireflies, "Come back 'ere! I told you not to stay above those apes and their filthy incense!"
Derek sped across the room. "Sorry you lot! I love you guys! You're the best! Anyone got a bottle of water ...?" The other fireflies muttered and continued to provide the light show.

Meanwhile, a small coup had occurred at the turntables. The disco king had been deposed, and spinning the discs now was a shambling figure who insisted on being called 'DJ Z'. Under his guidance, the quality of the music improved and the ogre gaped with all the others as he watched the dragon moshing singing, "I'm a firestarter! Twisted firestarter!"

The old man was rapping. Quite how he started rhythmically hitting the door with the unlit brand he wasn't sure. He only knew that he liked the sound it made.

A few people were keeping an eye on the 3 giants as they sank deeper into unconsciousness.

Just as DJ Z had finished spinning on his head (quite a feat considering his body was still mixing the tunes at the turntable), many hands grabbed the ogre and forced him into the centre of the room.
"She's here!" the crowd shouted.
"Where?!" panicked the ogre, searching frantically for his betrothed...and for an exit.
"The stripper!" There was a roar of lecherous approval as a heavily robed figure stepped onto the makeshift stage. The ogre gulped as the figure slowly started to remove its clothing. As the last pieces fell to the floor, however, the crowd erupted into boos and jeers.
"Well, you won't get more naked than this!" cried the skeleton, ducking a beer glass as it hurried out of the door.

The party continued until there were only a few revellers remaining, four of whom were out cold. Those who were standing glanced across at the 3 giants and, satisfied that they wouldn't awaken anytime soon, set about stripping the ogre of his clothes.

Later, a small boat could be seen crossing the sea.
"Where d'you get the boat?" whispered a voice.
"'Borrowed' it!" sniggered another.
The third occupant of the boat snored loudly.

In a matter of minutes, two figures alighted on Draggy Isle, dragging between them a large, sleeping ogre. Hurriedly, they tied the ogres naked body to the signpost and tiptoed away.

The last noise that could be heard was the sound of low chuckles and the soft splash of oars in water, gradually fading into the distance.