Hawumph's Agony Column

(OR By Royal Appointment!)

Dear Hawumph,

I'm ever so sorry to trouble you, but I have a problem that I must solve.

My husband and I have just celebrated out 150th wedding anniversary, but I am seriously thinking of leaving him.

The problem is, quite simply, that he has, shall we say, an over-abundance of male hormones (and I'm not just referring to his beard).

If I tell him I have a headache, I am suddenly unable to see and rooted to the spot! I have tried talking to him, but he becomes (conveniently) deaf!

Please, please help as I am very close to inserting my favourite diamond into one of his orifices.

Yours Sincerely,

H.M.Q.D

May it please your Majesty

This unfortunately is one of the problems of having a spouse who is both of noble birth, and of what might be termed "a certain age". In this particular case, a ripe old age.

Nobility at the time His Majesty came into his prime followed a practice entitled Droit De Seigneur, or the Lord's Right. In this case, his right to have his wicked way with the ladies. Unfortunately gentlemen accustomed to command find this sort of habit hard to shake.

Some suggestions to assist your majesty to retain her honour do spring to mind however. One would be to surround oneself with some of the more formidable dowagers amongst the dwarfen population. Nothing is quite so likely to dampen the ardour as an audience of sprightly old females.

If he is persistent in his (mis)use of his natural magical abilities one might attempt to persuade of the more genteel visitors to your realm to part with some form of magical protection. I have heard rumours that the Dragon Isle is the site of a most powerful protective charm. Indeed such is the esteem with which your Majesty is universally regarded, might I go so far as to suggest a direct appeal to the Dragon herself for assistance. As one female to another she may be convinced to lend magical intervention of her own.

If all else fails and the guards, a notoriously chauvenistic bunch by all accounts, cannot be convinced to uphold your Majesty's honour, might I finally suggest that whilst the diamond would be unpleasant as an insert the throne might usefully be substituted for it. I guarantee that your argument would carry more weight!

I have the honour to remain Madam, Your Majesty's most humble and obedient servant,

Hawumph, arch-wizard (onomatopoeic)

Dear Aunty Hawumph,

I feel I know a fair amount about the game, although I'm not that fast, or necessarily good at scoring points.

I've dabbled a bit in killing, but snooping most magic-users makes me pity them. So many are clueless, slow, or just ineffective.

For those that aren't bumblers I tend to have some respect, and end up being friends with. Which means I don't want to attack them and spoil it.

Wizmorts I'd had no compunctions about slaying, but start a reset off with one and I come away with much, much less that half the kit; And invariably end up fleeing or quitting in the face of insane odds.

On the upside though, I'm quite happy to play and see what happens, but the downside is that I really do need to get more effective at the game.

Can you offer me any advice?

Anon

Dear Anon,

Thanks for the question, it raises lots of issues.

Let's start with your initial two paragraphs. In the first you claim you are not that fast, or good at scoring points. But then you go on to say that most magic users you snoop, are clueless slow and ineffective? I assume this is relative to your own viewpoint of skill or speed.

So you go on to make friends, but you do not wish to spoil this by attacking them. Leaving aside the subject of wizmorts for now, is this not possibly a self defeating reaction? Unless you go up against other players, both in terms of attaining kit and practicing fighting or defensive skills, your game will remain fairly static, as will that of everyone around you if there is no interaction?

This does not mean that you beat up everyone slower than yourself, but perhaps you could arrange with others to practice kitting up and duelling, or compare notes on what strategies might work and then carry them out to see how effective they are?

And if you see a suspected wizmort, you could always try after you lose the fight to get some feedback on what went wrong, assuming it was not obvious? And of course assuming you do lose. Or just go all out to kill them, you never know, you might well do it!

Even just checking what they have might be a good idea. If it's worth carrying to someone who beats you up, maybe it is worth your while to try and grab it first. This is something easy to practice, just select a few key items and at the start of as many resets as you can, try and grab them in as short a time as possible. If they are gone, try just getting to the rooms they start in, again in as short a time as possible.

Anyway hopefully that will help you become more "effective", but bear in mind that progress also entails setbacks, the trick is not to become disheartened. Points become easier the more you play, and once your average reset score is usually over 10k (readily achievable, honestly) then the deaths or flees just don't matter so much any more.

So, good luck out there!

Hawumph

dear humpy

i have this strange hump on my back and im being teased and it makes me really sad and i need your help in a desiscion i have to make do i make mage and simpley FOD them or do go to a surgeon and get the humpy removed or you can fod them *gets teased* *runs off and sits in the corner crying* please hawumph i need you help

yours ***FIREDEMON (the chimp)***

Dear FD,

Making mage is a worthy ideal, but not just so that you can fod people. After all, the odds are not really optimised in your favour.

Also you seem to be confused by which mobile you most represent. Is it some sort of ape, in which case I would suggest Apeomancer might be more of a comfort to you than myself, or is it the Hunchback?

If it's the hunchback, no problem, just go grab that nice bulky cowl from him, and nobody will notice.

Anyway you are a mud-married man now, so just stay indoors with Demonesss and who'll care about your hump!

Yours truly,

Haw

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